Walking on Water

The other night, I realized (once again) just how unhappy I can be with who I am. I was upset about this or that, wondering why I couldn't write like this person or think like this person, why I couldn't be more clever or funny, why I wasn't just really really attractive. What it comes down to is that I live my life very much looking for and desiring the affirmation of those around me. As I thought about this more and more, I realized that this puts me really far from Jesus. Not just far from being like Jesus, but even far from just being with Him and remaining in His presence.

I read John 10 and around midnight decided I was going on a bike-ride around Shelby. I spend so much time thinking about life, about faith and religion, about grace and love, that I so often forget about Jesus and that He is the center or it all. I forget to simply rest in His presence, abide in Him, spend time with Him, and get to know Him. As I rode around Shelby, I realized that I really do desire to know Jesus. I want to have His eyes, His ears, His words, His love...not someone else's. And as I biked, I wondered what it would be like to really know Jesus in the flesh, you know, like John or Peter or the woman at the well. If Jesus had asked me to leave a boat in the middle of the lake and walk towards Him, I wonder if I would have even left the boat. If Jesus had asked me to start passing out the bread and the fish to the thousands, I wonder if I would have even moved. But really, I'm pretty sure Jesus and I would have been friends. I wonder if we would have breakfast together or go skinny dipping together or if we would just sit and talk and I would maybe play with His hair the way I do with Taylor. I wonder if I would have been embarassed to pray in front of Him or ask Him my host of questions. I wonder how He would show me that He loved me in a way that was special just for the two of us.

I so often seek to be more like my friends, to adopt those traits I admire, to seek the praise of those I admire most. I'm pretty sure I would have liked everything about Jesus in the flesh and would have desired approval and affirmation from Him. Why isn't that true now? Because the thing that changes everything from wanting to be like my friends to wanting to be like Jesus is that Jesus is God, in whom I am called to follow and imitate and even bring pleasure to Him when I do so. Why do I settle for the things of this world when true Glory awaits me? As C.S. Lewis said, why am I like "an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea."?

I want to be like Jesus. I want to hear Him call my name and trust that He will make my joy complete. I want to stop wanting to be bits and pieces of everyone else and believe the truth that says I am God's beloved, God's child, that God is crazy-in-love with me. I want to truly live by dying to myself. I want to have greater faith. I want to have a greater concept of grace and acceptance and beauty and love. I want to let go of pride and selfishness and cling to Jesus and all that He is. I want to walk on water.