Too Long

I have so many questions. No real answers. This happens to me all the time. More and more it seems. Part of me likes it, but the rest of me realizes that it drives me crazy.

I realize that it has been too long since I've had a close friend talk with me late into the night. I don't mean by e-mail or phone or any of that. I mean actual human flesh and bones. I am not even too particular as to who this friend should be. As long as we can be honest about our questions about faith and life and Christ and love together I'm fine. I don't even necessarily want to find "answers"...I just want to think through out loud some thoughts with another person.

If you want to be that person, let me know. I'll meet you halfway.

Love Without Return

I had one of those eye-openeing experiences today in church, and it actually had nothing to do with the message. You see, there was some tension between my fiancee, Joy, and me. Not really a fight or even a disagreement, just some tension. What really happened was that something was said that I took pretty personally. In essence, I was quite hurt. But rather than be hurt, which is quite a vulnerable and intimate feeling, I turned that into a type of anger, which is much safer, less personal, and so much easier. I think we (myself included) do this a lot and this was one of those instances.

But between the youth service and the main service today in church, I was thinking about how I hated the tension and obviously needed to talk with Joy about what was going on and all. You see, in my hurt turning into anger, I was being pretty rude towards her, short and curt and unloving. And as I thought about what I would say to her, I wanted to apologize for my actions, but also convey what was going on in my anger. Not really to dismiss or excuse it, but to bring to light that someone I loved deeply had really hurt me. And then I realized that part of what was going on was that it was hard for me to love someone when I felt no love from that person in return.

It hit me instantly. That's what God does every single moment. He loves me every single moment and His love does not depend on Him feeling my love in return. That's a pretty awesome thing. Actually, it's a really awesome thing, and that was a great moment for me this morning. It was also great to dialogue about all this with Joy after church. I do want to love well. I want to love unconditionally, and I'm so far from that, especially, it seems, with those who are closest to me. I want to love without having to have love in return.

Three Months

Three months from today and I am getting married. Joy will walk down the aisle and we'll say our vows before friends, family, God. It's really surreal. Cool to think about, something that's totally exciting, but also surreal. I think these months will fly. I soon will be a husband which means I have a wife. It seems odd that I'm becoming a husband when sometimes I feel like I'm becoming more and more like a little boy.

Robert Wise

I am a little saddened today. While reading the newspaper, I found out that Robert Wise died on Wednesday at the grand age of 91. To many, Robert Wise means absolutely nothing. But I'm different.

You see, growing up, I remember watching The Sound of Music about once a week. Every Easter and Christmas for sure. I memorized everything about the movie, the lines, the music, the dances, even the opening credits. And I always remember seeing: "Directed by Robert Wise." I've read a little bit about Wise over the years and always found myself admiring him. Martin Scorcese, one of the leaders who campaigned to give Wise an American Film Institute award for life achievement in 1998 told the Chicago Tribune: "He represents the American tradition of excellence and honesty and integrity...he was the Steven Spielberg of his time."

The thing is that if I had to list some characteristics of the American tradition, I'm not sure excellence, honesty, and integrity would be in there. Maybe half a century ago. But now? I'd say those are three gaping holes within out current tradition.

The Sound of Music was the movie of my childhood. As I grew up, I continued to love a good musical, and I eventually settled on my all-time favourite either on the stage or screen: West Side Story. It wasn't until years later that I discovered Robert Wise directed this film as well. Along with Lenny Bernstein, Steven Sondheim, and Jerome Robins, these men made movie-musical histroy when they brought the Sharks and the Jets/Capulets and Montegues to America in 1961.

For those of you who don't know musicals, one of Wise's earlier jobs was editing Citizen Kane, for which he was nominated for an Oscar. He was actually nominated many times, winning two directing awards for The Sound of Music and West Side Story.

I know these movies were made decades ago and aren't really that cool or popular any more. I'm okay with that. But I am a little sad today. I appreciate his modest nature, his attitude towards his craft, his family. On a cold afternoon or relaxing weekend this fall I'll put in one of those movies. I need to see them again.

My Hummingbird

I had a reall beautiful afernoon today. I had a few hours between classes so I thought I would go and relax down by the pond, read some Psalms, lay in solitude, that kind of thing. I went to a grocery store first and bought a little block of cheese and some break, filled up my Nalgene, and found my own private spot tucked away in a corner. I instantly was amazed at what there was to behold.

First, there was a frog that would come up for a while, sit there disguised among the weeds, and then disappear again. There were three ducks playing some version of keep-away. I saw some movement from my left and saw an ant carrying away a piece of fallen bread about half his size. Then I layed on my back for a while. It really was the perfect afternoon with a good steady wind. When especially strong, the first leaves of fall would come sailing down and then float on the water. Then my favourite moment...

I saw a movement off to my right and I turned. There in the brush I saw a tiny little hummingbird, just sitting on a twig. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't see a lot of hummingbirds. Once in a while they'll come flying for a second to some feeder filled with sugar-water or whatever, and I did see some behind wires at the Omaha Zoo. But never before had I seen out in the wild (well, as "wild" as you can call a pond in the Chicago suburbs) just staying still. Every once in a while it would flitter about and find a new branch to rest on, but mostly it just sat there. It was positively gorgeous. It was maybe an inch and a half long and was bright yellow. Kinda like the colour of a dandelion. There was a gray tail and some highlighting under the eyes. Truly splendid.

Basically, I was a little giddy boy. I realized that when I walk by every day on my way to class, there really is so much I'm missing out on, something that God created. If He has His eye on the sparrow, then I bet He's watching that tiny hummingbird too.

I think that's cool.

Mystery Syrup

Somehow life just gets too dang busy. I know that I should "beware the barrenness of a busy life" as we learned in Nepal, and honestly, that's difficult to do. This week I've worked a lot at both my jobs, had classes, worked on wedding stuff, read some books, and didn't spend as much time with Joy as I would have liked. Or with God for that matter.

It just seems there is always a list of things I need to be doing. And the more I do, the longer the list gets. Perhaps business breeds business.

Anyway, today is a good day. I'm coming out of my shell at Starbucks, and honestly, I don't know if Chicago's ready for it. With all their SUV's and "normality" and Grande Nonfat Lattes and all. But th majority of people at Starbucks that I work with seem to be enjoying it. I'm honestly a crazy silly goofball and it's a delight. I'm a child. I make up games, sing songs, and even do little jigs here and there, all as I'm brewing coffee, steaming milk, pulling shots.

My favourite game when business is a little slow is to play "Mystery Syrup." When a customer orders a mocha or latte, I tell them about the game: "If you want to play, you turn around for a moment and I will put a little bit of any syrup flavour in your drink. Then you can try to guess what it is. If you like it, everyone wins. If not, I'll make your drink just as you ordered it."

I love the people that go for it. Sadly, it's the minority. Where is our childlike love of games, anticipation, mystery? I don't see why it can't be a part of a silly coffee drink after all.

And besides, so far I haven't had to remake any drink.

Yeah, I'm that good.

A Student Once Again

Well, I'm done with the first two weeks of graduate school here at Trinity International University. I'll admit that sometimes I feel like I'm in way over my head. I suppose a lot of grad students feel that regardless, but since I'm in a Counseling Psychology program with no undergraduate psychology degree, sometimes I feel a little lost. Not usually, but sometimes. Terms and vocab and theories and all of that all run together. All the professors say it doesn't matter, so we'll see if that's true.

I'm enrolled in six classes. Intro to Pscyhology, Counseling Theories, Foundations of Mental Health Counseling, Counseling Skills Training, Substance Abuse Counseling, and Marriage and Family Therapy. There isn't any one that I really don't like, which seems like a good thing to me. But I do have my favourites, as we all do, and so far they are Substance Abuse and Marriage and Family Therapy. I don't think it's a coincidence that my two faves are also taught by the same professor. He makes class interesting, relevant, and open to discussion. And I suppose I just find the classes downright interesting, maybe because they both seem so practical and relevant.

So that's what this semester holds for me. Three years in a program seems like so long, but I assume it will fly by. I guess just one day at a time.

Happy September to you all.