Love Without Return

I had one of those eye-openeing experiences today in church, and it actually had nothing to do with the message. You see, there was some tension between my fiancee, Joy, and me. Not really a fight or even a disagreement, just some tension. What really happened was that something was said that I took pretty personally. In essence, I was quite hurt. But rather than be hurt, which is quite a vulnerable and intimate feeling, I turned that into a type of anger, which is much safer, less personal, and so much easier. I think we (myself included) do this a lot and this was one of those instances.

But between the youth service and the main service today in church, I was thinking about how I hated the tension and obviously needed to talk with Joy about what was going on and all. You see, in my hurt turning into anger, I was being pretty rude towards her, short and curt and unloving. And as I thought about what I would say to her, I wanted to apologize for my actions, but also convey what was going on in my anger. Not really to dismiss or excuse it, but to bring to light that someone I loved deeply had really hurt me. And then I realized that part of what was going on was that it was hard for me to love someone when I felt no love from that person in return.

It hit me instantly. That's what God does every single moment. He loves me every single moment and His love does not depend on Him feeling my love in return. That's a pretty awesome thing. Actually, it's a really awesome thing, and that was a great moment for me this morning. It was also great to dialogue about all this with Joy after church. I do want to love well. I want to love unconditionally, and I'm so far from that, especially, it seems, with those who are closest to me. I want to love without having to have love in return.