One of my professors put this quote up on powerpoint yesterday. It certainly resonated with me. In fact, yesterday I made a concerted effort to have some hellos. I think that's a start.
“Why can’t we get all the people together in then world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate goodbyes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.” –Snoopy
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Monday, December 05, 2005
Loneliness
Loneliness. The wedding is less than two weeks away and I am so excited to enter into my marriage wtih Joy. Because of the wedding coming up, I have literally gotten phone calls and e-mails from people around the world. Ireland, The Philippines, China, Italy, and all over the U.S. Still, I am lonely, and honestly, this has been something I've been feeling for several months now. I guess this move to Chicago has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have no real friends here outside of Joy and it's becoming terribly hard for me. Perhaps that's why all this wedding stuff has me feeling more lonely. Even though I'm starting my marriage and hearing from friends and will get to see most of them at the wedding, I know that after that they will all go back home to their places far away and then I don't know the next time I will see them and actually be in relationship with them. Honestly, I hate that. Somedays I wonder what happened to myself. I used to go out of my way to be in relationship, to cultivate friendships, to pursue others, and I certianly haven't done that this semester and I fully acknowledge that I simply have taken no initative or shown any desire. Perhaps it's because I've allowed myself to be too busy, allowed myself to be content with what is easy, allowed myself to reach the point where I didn't want to make any new friends because I just wanted the friends I already had to be here. I want to cultivate those relationships with people I've already shared my story with, with people who know my strenths and weaknesses and passions, with people who I've laughed with and cried with and can share countless memories. I'm not saying this is all good, but I am saying that in many ways, this is where I'm at, but I'm realizing that this needs to change. I don't know if I'm more afraid of the work and effort and all that goes into new relationships or if I'm more afraid of losing those relationships I can't imagine living without. I know I'm relational, I know I love working with high schoolers, I know I love to be with people, but I feel like I've done pretty poorly at all of that this semester.
One of my favourite people in the world is my friend Neville. Nevs is teaching in China for a year, and as a result won't be able to stand up for me at my wedding next weekend. I completely understand and love that he's off exploring the world, but as I thought about it, I realized that Neville knows me in a way that no one in the world knows me. And I believe I know Neville in a way that no one else knows Neville. I guess I would say that our relationship is unique. But it deosn't stop there. This is true for all the other people who are sharing a part in the wedding: Blom, Taylor Horner, Drew, Kevin, Loralee, Taylor Skiles, Kelmo, Ulee, Dawnette, Bethany, Mark and Ange, Deborah, Conor Hugh. Then there are the many many people who have greatly influenced my lives who will simply be there for the wedding and the party afterwards. They all know me in unique ways and we have unique relationships. They all know me in ways that are specific to our relationship and I want them there because they represent something important to me even outside of the obvious. These pople have taught me much about myself, themselves, God; about love, forgiveness, faithfulness, trust, honesty, grace, obedience, accountability, laughter. It is these relationships I am afraid of losing, the relationships I desperately want to keep, and not only keep, but strengthen, deepen, and grow as we laugh and cry and go through life together. Perhaps this is a longing for Heaven itself. Perhaps loneliness is a reminder that there is so much more to come.
One of my favourite people in the world is my friend Neville. Nevs is teaching in China for a year, and as a result won't be able to stand up for me at my wedding next weekend. I completely understand and love that he's off exploring the world, but as I thought about it, I realized that Neville knows me in a way that no one in the world knows me. And I believe I know Neville in a way that no one else knows Neville. I guess I would say that our relationship is unique. But it deosn't stop there. This is true for all the other people who are sharing a part in the wedding: Blom, Taylor Horner, Drew, Kevin, Loralee, Taylor Skiles, Kelmo, Ulee, Dawnette, Bethany, Mark and Ange, Deborah, Conor Hugh. Then there are the many many people who have greatly influenced my lives who will simply be there for the wedding and the party afterwards. They all know me in unique ways and we have unique relationships. They all know me in ways that are specific to our relationship and I want them there because they represent something important to me even outside of the obvious. These pople have taught me much about myself, themselves, God; about love, forgiveness, faithfulness, trust, honesty, grace, obedience, accountability, laughter. It is these relationships I am afraid of losing, the relationships I desperately want to keep, and not only keep, but strengthen, deepen, and grow as we laugh and cry and go through life together. Perhaps this is a longing for Heaven itself. Perhaps loneliness is a reminder that there is so much more to come.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Can I Get A Witness?
I am still upset about something that happened on Wednesday evening, November 30. You see, Joy and I went to the Cook Country courthouse to get our Marriage License. You would think this would be an exciting moment. Needless to say, it was highly disappointing. We made our way to the office where we were helped by a very nice lady wearing a blue suit and white tennis shoes. When she asked for and I.D., I gave her my passport. Whenever I know I'm going to be asked for an I.D., I ALWAYS take my passport. I love that it shows it's worn and when I'm standing in lines I can look at all the pretty stamps and my ridiculous picture from when I was 18 and too cool to smile. (Don't even get me started on the fact that I recently found out that when your passport expires and you need a new one, they require the old one back since it's government property and all. Call me silly, but my passport is one of my favourite possessions, even if it is technically the governments, and I have no intention of parting with it...)
So we're standing at the little desk with the sign that says, "Marriage Licenses" and are being helped by this nice woman, who does somewhat scoff when she sees my passport because "they're just so hard to get to lay open to get the information I need." Well, even though my driver's license was sitting in my back pocket, I wasn't about to cave in. And yes, I realize I can be really weird about some things.
I wonder what happened to people's senses of humor. Maybe they just don't think I'm funny, which does make some sense. She told us she was about to ask us some questions, so in pure cheesy fashion, I gaze at Joy and ask if she wants to hold hands while we do this. Not a smile. She double-checked to make sure we're not cousins, took some data, asked us if we'd ever been married before (this was the moment I said to Joy, "Oh shoot...I knew there was something I've been forgetting to tell you..." Still no smile.), and then proceeded to ask us about our educations. When she found out we both had college degrees but I was in graduate school, she said, "So you're still going on, huh?" I was in one of those moods, so my only response was, "To the stars." This time, Joy didn't smile either.
Anyway, all of this is not the real root of my anger right now. You see, whenever I think about a marriage certificate, I envision there being witnesses to sign. Even in my brother's wedding this summer the witnesses signed the license right during the ceremony. Not in Illinois. Apparently they don't do that blessed tradition, and instead, to my utter disgust, some County Clerk named David Orr has his name printed on there as our witness. I was fuming as I left. I know it seems silly, but honestly, why can't I have people we actually know and love sign as our witnesses? Is Mr. David Orr going to be there when the marriage gets tough, when we need someone to remind us of our vows, when we need some accountability and encouragement? Somehow, I doubt it.
I wonder what it might look like if I tried to call him in 20 years, and said, "Hey, Davey, I'm having some problems in my marriage and you were my witness...wanna do lunch?" Then, when we get together and he asks for some I.D. to look up my name or whatever, you better believe I'll proudly hand over that passport that I refused to give up ten years earlier.
So we're standing at the little desk with the sign that says, "Marriage Licenses" and are being helped by this nice woman, who does somewhat scoff when she sees my passport because "they're just so hard to get to lay open to get the information I need." Well, even though my driver's license was sitting in my back pocket, I wasn't about to cave in. And yes, I realize I can be really weird about some things.
I wonder what happened to people's senses of humor. Maybe they just don't think I'm funny, which does make some sense. She told us she was about to ask us some questions, so in pure cheesy fashion, I gaze at Joy and ask if she wants to hold hands while we do this. Not a smile. She double-checked to make sure we're not cousins, took some data, asked us if we'd ever been married before (this was the moment I said to Joy, "Oh shoot...I knew there was something I've been forgetting to tell you..." Still no smile.), and then proceeded to ask us about our educations. When she found out we both had college degrees but I was in graduate school, she said, "So you're still going on, huh?" I was in one of those moods, so my only response was, "To the stars." This time, Joy didn't smile either.
Anyway, all of this is not the real root of my anger right now. You see, whenever I think about a marriage certificate, I envision there being witnesses to sign. Even in my brother's wedding this summer the witnesses signed the license right during the ceremony. Not in Illinois. Apparently they don't do that blessed tradition, and instead, to my utter disgust, some County Clerk named David Orr has his name printed on there as our witness. I was fuming as I left. I know it seems silly, but honestly, why can't I have people we actually know and love sign as our witnesses? Is Mr. David Orr going to be there when the marriage gets tough, when we need someone to remind us of our vows, when we need some accountability and encouragement? Somehow, I doubt it.
I wonder what it might look like if I tried to call him in 20 years, and said, "Hey, Davey, I'm having some problems in my marriage and you were my witness...wanna do lunch?" Then, when we get together and he asks for some I.D. to look up my name or whatever, you better believe I'll proudly hand over that passport that I refused to give up ten years earlier.
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