Loneliness

Loneliness. The wedding is less than two weeks away and I am so excited to enter into my marriage wtih Joy. Because of the wedding coming up, I have literally gotten phone calls and e-mails from people around the world. Ireland, The Philippines, China, Italy, and all over the U.S. Still, I am lonely, and honestly, this has been something I've been feeling for several months now. I guess this move to Chicago has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have no real friends here outside of Joy and it's becoming terribly hard for me. Perhaps that's why all this wedding stuff has me feeling more lonely. Even though I'm starting my marriage and hearing from friends and will get to see most of them at the wedding, I know that after that they will all go back home to their places far away and then I don't know the next time I will see them and actually be in relationship with them. Honestly, I hate that. Somedays I wonder what happened to myself. I used to go out of my way to be in relationship, to cultivate friendships, to pursue others, and I certianly haven't done that this semester and I fully acknowledge that I simply have taken no initative or shown any desire. Perhaps it's because I've allowed myself to be too busy, allowed myself to be content with what is easy, allowed myself to reach the point where I didn't want to make any new friends because I just wanted the friends I already had to be here. I want to cultivate those relationships with people I've already shared my story with, with people who know my strenths and weaknesses and passions, with people who I've laughed with and cried with and can share countless memories. I'm not saying this is all good, but I am saying that in many ways, this is where I'm at, but I'm realizing that this needs to change. I don't know if I'm more afraid of the work and effort and all that goes into new relationships or if I'm more afraid of losing those relationships I can't imagine living without. I know I'm relational, I know I love working with high schoolers, I know I love to be with people, but I feel like I've done pretty poorly at all of that this semester.

One of my favourite people in the world is my friend Neville. Nevs is teaching in China for a year, and as a result won't be able to stand up for me at my wedding next weekend. I completely understand and love that he's off exploring the world, but as I thought about it, I realized that Neville knows me in a way that no one in the world knows me. And I believe I know Neville in a way that no one else knows Neville. I guess I would say that our relationship is unique. But it deosn't stop there. This is true for all the other people who are sharing a part in the wedding: Blom, Taylor Horner, Drew, Kevin, Loralee, Taylor Skiles, Kelmo, Ulee, Dawnette, Bethany, Mark and Ange, Deborah, Conor Hugh. Then there are the many many people who have greatly influenced my lives who will simply be there for the wedding and the party afterwards. They all know me in unique ways and we have unique relationships. They all know me in ways that are specific to our relationship and I want them there because they represent something important to me even outside of the obvious. These pople have taught me much about myself, themselves, God; about love, forgiveness, faithfulness, trust, honesty, grace, obedience, accountability, laughter. It is these relationships I am afraid of losing, the relationships I desperately want to keep, and not only keep, but strengthen, deepen, and grow as we laugh and cry and go through life together. Perhaps this is a longing for Heaven itself. Perhaps loneliness is a reminder that there is so much more to come.