A Friend Like Jonathan

I’ve been reading through the Biblical books of 1 and 2 Samuel recently, and while you often hear about the friendship between David and Jonathan, it’s hit me more deeply as I’ve read through the texts on my own. In 1 Samuel 20, you’ve got the drama all set: Saul, Jonathan’s father, wants to kill David. When David tells Jonathan this, he’s in shock and disbelief and makes a plan with David to find out if this is true. Well, as Jonathan finds out, his dad really does want to kill David. I would think that this would put Jonathan in a tremendously uncomfortable position. Do you help your friend escape your father, or do you remain loyal to your dad and surrender your friend? Yikes.

Jonathan helps David escape, and even binds himself in a covenant with his friend: “And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself” (1 Sam. 20:17). We all like to think we love others as we love ourselves; I am certain I never actually do. Pride gets in the way in both obvious and subtle ways, and as soon as I think I’m being selfless I must recognize that that is a pretty prideful thought. This verse I just mentioned doesn’t say that Jonathan thought he loved David as himself or that he tried to love David as himself, but that Jonathan straight up loved David as himself. That’s some serious friendship. And it doesn’t stop there.

Later in the same chapter, Jonathan and David have to say goodbye to each other, not knowing if their lives will intersect again. As they say farewell, “they kissed each other and wept together” (v. 41), and then Jonathan reminds David that “we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of our Lord” (v. 42). First, you have two grown men crying together, something rarely heard of in today’s culture of no-vulnerability-masculinity. Then, you have a reminder of that covenant of friendship. Do we see friendship this way today? To have a friendship bound by covenant in front of God is pretty serious stuff, and in today’s socially-mobile culture, I wonder if we ever consider how friendships can be a covenant relationship similar to marriage, the Church, or one’s relationship with Christ.

I don’t want to spoil the story, but we find out that Jonathan has died at the beginning of 2 Samuel (and David’s compassion and graciousness toward Saul is certainly worth noting, but is not my current focus here). As David is mourning the news of his friend’s death, he states: “I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women” (2 Sam. 1:26). Now that’s some emotive vulnerability, and I’ve thought about this verse quite a bit recently. In no way do I wish or intend to detract from the love found within marriage or across genders, but I think David is making a very important point about male-male friendships (and much could also be said about female-female friendships).

I love my wife deeply and she grows me and challenges me all time, but there is a unique love I have for my male friends. I have the privilege of having many very fine friends, and it is because of my male friendships in particular that I am who I am today. Emotional vulnerability is horribly lacking in most male friendships, and this emotional chasm is devastating to not only these friendships, but unavoidably affect wife-husband relationships, father-son relationships, and one’s relationship with self. I have had some terrific male friendships that continue to influence my life in powerful ways. In fact, I would be nowhere near the husband that I am (which really isn’t that great) without the male friendships that were consistent in my life during the years prior to marriage. These are the aspects of male friendship I believe David knew so intimately. I have many Jonathans in my life, and indeed, their love is wonderful, as is my love for them.