"Raising Cain"

Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson are both psychologists who work extensively with boys. Their book "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys" is a bestseller, and it deserves being read outside of the counseling and psychology world. In fact, I had a client read portions of this book as he discussed issues pertaining to being a father of boys and also as he processed some of his own boyhood. Without taking away the need for responsibility and the necessity of consequences, Kinlon and Thompson seek to explore the too-often hidden emotional lives of boys. You read about father-son relationships, mother-son relationships, and problems related to depression, suicide, drinking, and drugs--all four common among adolescent men.

In my limited experience as a counselor, I can testify that the emotional lives of boys desperately need to be cultivated. Emotional literacy is rare among men, where we expect anger and hostility, but never tenderness, grief, fear, or any other possible emotion that might be seen as weak. The authors write: "What boys need, first and foremost, is to be seen through a different lens than tradition prescribes. Individually, and as a culture, we must discard the distorted view that ignores or denies their capacity for feeling, the view that colors even boys' perceptions of themselves as above or outside a life of emotions" (p. 240). This lack of emotional expression and understanding makes it tremendously difficult to be in real relationship, whether with friends, spouses, and eventually, children. While men are different social creatures than women, I have no doubt that many adolescent men are busy with friends, sports, girlfriends, and other activities but are painfully lonely: "Crowded or empty, I walk these city streets alone" (Over the Rhine).